Dear Sir Andrew of Lloyd Webber, please don't let it be Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini Part II
Rowetta, Charlotte Church, Beverley Knight and Heather Small... please make a note of the website address this man is about to give out.
Chanelle off Big Brother, Jordan, John Barrowman and anyone with zero experience of singing live in front of a huge crowd... under no circumstances watch this video and promise that you will never watch it, or follow the instructions given within it by this musical Lord of the realm, ever.
Ever, ever. Swear down, no lie.
And don't cross your fingers behind your back.
Right, it looks as though Blighty is going the How Do You Solve a Problem Like Eurovision route, with the Lord of the Darnce/Music/Drama himself choosing the acts which will fight it out to perform his song in Moscow in May next year.
According to the BBC website, the UK entrant will be selected ridiculously early next year (January 31), as the result of four weeks of knockout competition called Your Country Needs You, hosted by Graham Norton.
Whether that means we'll know Lloyd Webber's song by the same time remains to be seen. However, at this stage, it would be a brave punter who bets against us sending a massively dramatic West End-style ballad to Russia.
Boom Bang a Blog is now adopting a rare, serious tone. The person who gets given the Lloyd Webber song to perform in Moscow (and let's not beat about the bush, whatever you think of his music, it'll be something of an honour for them - and that's not something you can always say about the UK entry) should be someone who can go out there at a moment's notice and perform the pants off it.
If anyone from the BBC is reading this; please, please, please, please... no people with sob stories about dead cats/grannies/goldfish/perms who just don't have a strong enough voice, no loose cannons, nothing dodgy.
Something that may tug at the heartstrings of the UK public during the Your Country Needs You heats will matter not one jot on the night of the final in Moscow.
Can we just have a shortlist of acts who can get out there and really have a chance of selling this to the rest of the world? Is that so much to ask?
After all, it's something we used to do. Almost every single year.
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Jamie McLoughlin - The news editor of Southport Visiter reveals all about his musical hobby that more people should admit to having.
Needless to say I agree with you, Jamie. We must at all costs get someone who is an experienced, professional singer who can really hit all the right notes (in the right order hopefully) and make the viewers sit up and take notice. The sob stories have to be ignored, but I think Peter Kay’s recent send-up of Pop Idol/X-Factor antics whereby all the ‘finalists’ had a ridiculous lachrymose tale to tell should see off that side of things. Nobody could ever take them seriously if they tried that game. In the end, it will quite simply boil down to how good the song will be. I feel a power ballad is inevitable and this won’t be a bad idea for the UK at all. These are the songs that seem to appeal to juries more than the cheesy pop gimmicky extravaganzas. Ultimately if after all the hullabaloo, the UK finishes at or near the bottom, I can see the BBC saying, “We cannot do any more – perhaps it’s time to call it a day”. It really will be make-or-break next year.