Semi Final One: Norway, Poland, Ireland and Andorra

However. This year, Norwegian telly was so determined to make their Euro-qualifier (Melodi Grand Prix) veer more to the credible side of music festivals, they fought tooth and nail to convince successful Norwegian songwriter Mira Craig (she's worked with Snoop Dogg and 50 Cent. Honestly. Check Wikipedia) it was her patriotic duty to pen a memorable tune for Pop Idol contestant (another one...) Maria Haukass Storeng.

Haukass she refuse? She didn't, and despite Hold On Be Strong never troubling Oslo's turf accountants in the run up to the national final (something sung by small Norrwegians dressed as trolls was the favourite) Maria and Mira stormed the public vote, winning by, ooh, loads.

Hold On Be Strong certainly has a transAtlantic twang to it, but perhaps more Hannah Montana than Nine Inch Nails. What appeals more than anything is the infantile-sounding way Maria stretches the lyrics to fit the melody, particularly in the first verse. Once Eurovision is over, she'll have to lie in a hot bath with some of those vowels so they shrink back to their original size.

And, I'm sorry, Mira. 'Bad crimes?' Other than kidnapping Celine Dion and locking her in a really remote castle so her record company can't ever find her, what constitutes a 'good crime'?

That said, Boom Bang a Blog has a real affection for this song and would love to see this finish higher than the Swedes' over-hyped offering. But more about that song in (counts on fingers) three entries from this.

Boom or Bang?: It would be a bad crime if this doesn't qualify.

Poland: Isis Gee - For Life

Now, you had the misfortune of reading C****e D**n's name in the previous entry (I hope this hasn't caused you distress), the long-faced Canadian - representing Switzerland - who sneaked from behind to beat the UK by one point in the final vote of Eurovision 1988 (Franco's ghost was behind it, Boom Bang a Blog is convinced).

The reason that shrieking old woman has had to be mentioned again is that there is a distinct comparison between the output of C****e's rubbish love songs and this rather dreary pile of nothing from the Poles.

Isis Gee is no doubt a lovely lady, who regularly helps old ladies (like C****e) with their heavy shopping while on her way home from the recording studio and no doubt smiles respectfully at nuns at Warsaw's busiest traffic crossings, but please. This is such a sodden piece of wet, soppy rubbish it makes the English Channel look like a pile of sawdust.

Unfortunately, songs like these tend to do rather well at Eurovision.

Boom or Bang?: Will sneak in to the final, then mid-table.

Ireland: Dustin the Turkey - Irlande Douze Points

There's a good chance you've already heard of this one.

Terry Wogan certainly has, and recent reports suggest fictional feathered hand-warmer Dustin's reference to the popular broadcaster's (whisper it... "wig") in this entry has turned his initial thumbs-up for his homeland decidedly downwards. Tel claims it's because Eurovision is so ridiculous anyway, it's a bit useless trying to be out-ridicule than it. We'll say nothing more (but it's really because of the wig bit).

Although Dustin and his frenetic dance tune (in itself a rarity from the Irish, where Eurovision tends to mean a Celtic-ish ballad and nothing else, ever) namechecks most of this year's competing nations (plus Austria, which has stayed at home in a huff over recent results), it's unlikely this is going to bring in appreciative votes from around the continent.

If Dustin qualifies from the semi - and that's no guarantee - he will undoubtedly get the UK douze points, because we love anything a bit stupid, especially where this Contest is concerned. The same cannot be said the further east one travels (we'll tactfully ignore the lightly sweating Estonians at this juncture) and a flatulent puppet making fun of a competition many Baltic and Balkan nations find vitally important won't go down too well.

Musically, it's a bit of a mess as well, and a joke that doesn't last beyond one listen, although some of the lyrics are a lot cleverer than the delivery suggests.

If you downloaded Crazy Frog because you thought it was rib-ticklingly hilarious, welcome to your favourite Eurovision song, ever.

Boom or Bang?: It's good fun, but that's about it.

Andorra: Gisela - Casanova

Andorra has been entering since 2004, but has yet to progress from the semi-final, so the vast majority of the audience won't even be aware how hard these quite-near-Spain ski resort dwellers are trying.

Last year, the Andorrans despatched a band fronted by a lad from Guildford whose McFly-ish antics seemed certain to grab a spot in the Saturday final, but the poor mites finished two places below the cut-off point. This year, the good folk of Andorra La Vella are sending Andorra Gisela, with the distinctly ABBAish tones of Casanova (ANORAK MOMENT: The Norwegians sent a song called Casanova to the London-held 1977 Eurovision and the girl singing it got a severe telling off from her delegation for getting caught on camera while drunk and table dancing at the pre-Contest party).

Gisela has proven herself a competent singer as (once more) she was in some sort of Pop Factor/X Idol/The Pistes have Talent competition. A tantalising 30-second snippet of this tune was unleashed on to the internet late last year, but once the full two minutes and 40-odd seconds of Casanova hit the public domain, it sounded suspiciously like the aforementioned soupcon on a loop.

Let's not be churlish. Casanova is very Eurovision-by-numbers and a heckuva lot more fun than some of the other offerings ticking our lugholes this year.

Boom or Bang?: Andorra is only little. If they don't qualify this time it's just mean.